Fear

[...]Amy was our 1st director, and she's a pirate. Two things I learned from her. Number one, don't let fear crash on your couch because they're never going to leave. And number two, step on the blood—no bathe in the blood of the game.
— Billy Merritt, Yes, Also with Suzi Barrett, "Billy Merritt — Part Two" (Sept. 7, 2026), 2:21
https://yesalso.supercast.com/subscriber_v2/feed_items/5385542

In Dune, "The Litany Against Fear," fear is a "little death" — a little version of something that's bad is still bad — and fear leads to "total oblivion." When I was drinking, I was heading toward total oblivion. In fact, that was the whole idea. I'd find myself in situations that feel insane to think back on. There are scary places to buy alcohol in Baltimore, and I went to those places and bought alcohol. Places with people who had guns and sold hard drugs. I also did dumb things like drive while under the influence. When you have lost all defense against the first drink, that's what happens. Drinking numbed the fear of what my drinking was doing to me. It numbed everything. My last drink was 902 days ago. One day at a time.

I'm taking risks again, but different kinds. I'm writing again. That's scary. I'm putting that writing out there for people to read and judge. That's scary too. I'm applying for things and trying out for things and exposing myself to rejection. And I'm getting rejected. One rejection at a time.

My addiction is like a superpower now. I had the worst days of my life, and now what can possibly happen to me? After being strip-searched to be admitted to the rehab facility (three times, in fact), what's the worst that can happen to me? This scene bombs? I don't handshake on game?

It’s weird to be a recovering drug addict. It was weird to be a drug addict, but at least I was on drugs. [laughter] It’s strange sometimes, you know, like I’m doing great. But when I’m alone, I’m with the person that tried to kill me. Sometimes I walk past a mirror, I’m like, “This fucking guy again.” “Jesus.” That is kind of a creepy feeling sometimes. But it’s also a nice feeling. It gives me a strange kind of confidence sometimes, because, like, look, I… I used to care what everyone thought about me… so much. It was all I cared about. All I cared about was what other people thought of me. And I don’t anymore. And I don’t because I can honestly say, what is someone going to do to me that’s worse than what I would do to myself. What, are you going to cancel John Mulaney? I’ll kill him.
— John Mulaney, Baby J (Netflix, 2023)